Like a Roller Coaster Ride

I don’t know. I’m having good days and bad days.  Sometimes I’m up and it feels like a good life, and then sometimes I’m just very, very down.  

It is now summer and I have begun to check off activities on my summer bucket list with my bestie, and it’s comforting to know that there’s still much more to do and still many warm summer days left to do them.  

As long as I get to do cousin camping this summer and go to Radisson for at least a few days in August, I’ll be happy. :)

Typical Post No One Reads

So while I was working the shift from hell today, I suddenly saw a guy walking through the store, and for a split second I thought it was Danny.  Then I remembered that this is impossible, and it just brought everything back.  Not that I haven’t been thinking about him a lot - in fact my grief is starting to get worse and worse every day.  

What frustrates me is that the only person I can talk to about the whole thing is my brother, and most times we are both at such a loss for words that there’s nothing to talk about.  Everyone else I want to talk to is either in too much pain to discuss it or simply won’t listen.  

Mother’s Day is tomorrow, and I can’t help thinking of my aunts Mary Joan and Mary Renee, who have both lost their firstborns that made them mothers.  How bittersweet this holiday must feel as they celebrate it with their daughters who are still alive, yet mourn the loss of their children who are no longer here.  I was thinking about this a lot when I got home from work today, and I cried my eyes out.

I miss my cousins so much.  May is Brain Tumor Awareness Month so naturally Kelly has been on my mind 24/7, but now that Danny is gone too it’s almost like my brain switches over to feel separate grief for each one.  Sometimes I’m so envious of the people who still have all their siblings and their cousins that I would give anything to be in their position.  

Here comes the emo-teenage-sounding part, but I’m getting so tired of smiling and laughing.  I’m NOT okay. I’m NOT happy. And I most certainly am NOT over any of my family’s deaths.  At this point I’m so angry about everything that I just want to give it all up in order to gain some of my prior life back.